You Are the Risk I'll Always Take
by Luna Sakamoto
Summary: Merrill is still adjusting to life as Inquisitor and Skyhold as well. Tamlen who she found again is one of the only things keeping her calm. In the middle of the night Merrill wakes up with a nightmare making the anchor pulse and brings her pain. Tamlen is there to calm her down. Inquisitor!Merrill and Warden!Tamlen. Rated T at the moment just for contents sake


**Hello, this was written ages ago and posted on my roleplay tumblr for Merrill as a birthday present to tarasylamalen on tumblr who is my Tamlen. It had been intended as a drabble but had blown up from there. It is to be noted that Merrill in this verse is Inquisitor and Tamlen was there as a Grey Warden advisor. Tamlen was found on the other side of the Eluvian as was made into a warden instead of dying in this universe, more on this set up could likely be found on tarasylamlen's blog. Please enjoy.**

Merrill was still adjusting to her large room in Skyhold. Everything had happened too fast to give it much thought while they were traveling here, but now that she was able to let everything sink in. Tamlen was here with her though and that helped her deal with all the other changes, yes him being here was a change in her life, but with it came familiarity, someone who knew exactly how she thought and how to help her. He had already helped her so many times since she had woken to him in Haven. He seemed to calm her; which is likely why he had requested his room to be in the same hall as her own. Though with a room as large as they had given her he could have easily shared the space, but everyone said it wouldn't be proper. She didn't care for human customs in the slightest, not to mention having to wear actual shoes, they felt so confining.

Night was settling in and she had been reading for quite some time, trying to help find information that would help those seeking the inquisition's help. Tamlen had come in through Merrill hadn't noticed at first moving to find a comfortable tunic to change into when she nearly jumped seeing him there.

"Oh I didn't hear you come in" She spoke simply not upset in the slightest moving to set the tunic on her bed a moment turning to face him again.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay, I saw the light and I know it's late." He knew even in the clan she had a tendency to overwork herself.

"I was getting ready for bed." She spoke her eyes drifting her hand seeing the green hue to it. It still was strange and she wondered of it was the reasons her nightmares had gotten worse, or if it had been all the death around her that had suddenly happened again, would she be the cause of Tamlen's death.

Tamlen could see it on her face, she always let her face scrunch up when worrying or thinking too hard. He moved over to her noticing that she was too deep in her mind to tell he had moved closer to her. He reached out a hand setting it on top of her head watching the mage jump startled at the touch.

"Don't worry so much, whatever it is, I'll help you." Those words sank in to Merrill's heart. She knew he had his own problems and worries and yet still had the time to focus and worry about her in the process.

"I know you will… but I worry about you." Her words were soft and lilting green eyes moving to stare at the floor unable to meet his own gaze. He took her hand in his own without so much as a thought keeping her close. Her green eyes moved to look at their connected hands before he spoke again.

"I don't want you to worry about me. There is better things to worry about." His tone seemed almost nonchalant but as she looked up she could see an intensity of an unnamed emotion in his eyes. Without warning his touch was gone and so was the look in his eye. "You better get some rest. You'll need the energy to keep up with all the things that the Inquisition is asking of you." His tone was less familiar now, one made to be polite and show respect as he moved to the door of her room. "I'm just across the hall if you need me, remember that." And with that Tamlen was gone and so did the extra warmth of the room she hadn't noticed till now.

Tired and now slightly confused Merrill moved to tend the fire watching the embers spark up again sending spikes of warmth. She put on another log before heading back to her bed and finally changing into the plain tunic and moving to unbraid her hair. It still felt strange to have long hair after having it clipped so short for most her life, but after the events in Kirkwall maintaining her short hair was the last thing on her mind. Once it came to her attention it was already past her shoulders and she just decided to let it grow out at that point.

Exhausted from worry, overthinking and all the work that had been done lately she flopped onto the large bed, eyes staring at the ceiling as she took a deep breath. When Merrill was alone was when her thoughts turned to their worst. She felt the impact of all the things in her life at once. How many had died because of her choices? How much blood was on her hands? The keeper was dead, yes she knew she had to as she had taken in the demon, but with her death the final ties she had to the clan, her people was cut.

Coming to Haven should have helped, instead she had been put through hell. The dim light in the room made the angry sickly green color of the anchor glow brighter. Her memories of what had happened still, still gone. What could she do? All those elves that came with her, who she had promised to protect, were dead because they chose to follow her. Believed she was their path to a brighter future. She seemed to only create death and chaos in her wake.

No wonder Cassandra always seemed offended by her. The woman had obviously read _The Tale of The Champion_ and knew things about Merrill, that as a Seeker, she disapproved greatly. She was a blood mage, even if she hadn't used that skill in ages, she would always be marked by that choice. Merrill still had her rules, just her blood, no one else's, never effect the mind, almost always in self-defense. It kept most the demons away, the others had to have permission to access her and she was smarter than that.

All these thoughts swam in her mind as she curled up under the blankets and furs of her bed blowing out the candles near to her. The room was only lit now by the fire and by the anchor. Exhaustion finally pulled her under into sleep.

Merrill woke bolting up in a cold sweat. The anchor pulsed sending waves of pain that racked her body. She would have screamed but her throat felt like it had been sewn shut and she couldn't breathe. The anchor sparked almost brutally again this time a strangled cry of pain making it past her lips as she found herself falling onto the floor out of her bed. It was dizzying. This had happened before, once in Haven. Nightmares seeming to agitate the anchor.

She could hear the door at the base of the stairs thrown open and rapid footsteps but she couldn't seem to get her eyes to cooperate with her through the pain.

"Etuna! Ahn garem!" Tamlen, she could hear the worry and haste in his voice moving to touch her before hesitating. His eyes looked at the anchor sparking in anger, the green light casting ghost like shadows and angular light misshaping the mage's face that was contorted in pain.

"Ara halla…" His voice was gentler this time pulling her into his arms, one hand rubbing her back, the other threaded in her dark hair. He could see her shaking, eyes darting like something may come from anywhere and attack her. He would ask later what had caused this but for now his main priority was calming her down.

"I need you to calm down. It's okay. You are Okay." Merrill didn't squirm out of his touch but Tamlen could still feel the tenseness in her body, pulled taut like a bow string holding back a notched arrow.

He continued to rub her back murmuring small bits of elvhen in her ear trying to calm her. She was shaking, he didn't know if it was the panic still or if it was the adrenalin crash that came after causing them.

"I want you to try and match my breathing, can you do that Merrill?" She heard his question but her brain struggled to listen to it, comprehend it. "Can you do that for me?" It took far more effort to nod her head than she thought possible as she buried her head in the crook of his neck trying to steady herself. Tamlen made a show of taking deep breaths trying to get Merrill to calm herself, to keep from hyperventilating.

Eventually she was breathing normally but her body was wracked with shaking. She could feel Tamlen move a bit, an arm tucking under her legs at the bend of her knees, the other against her back as he lifted her up.

"There you go, I have you, you are safe." His tone seemed so soft. With her wits slowly returning she could hear the worry that dripped into those words. He moved her to the bed laying her down before sitting on the edge watching her still, waiting for her reaction.

He knew it was still too early to ask what had caused this. He remembered the last time in Haven, how for days after she was quiet, rarely speaking a word unless spoken to and even then it was short and clipped. Nightmares is what she had said, but these were far worse than any sort of nightmare he had known, even the dreams of Darkspawn hadn't affected him like this.

"Water?" Merrill's voice was so low in a whisper Tamlen wasn't even sure he heard it rather than read her lips as he moved to the pitcher kept in her room pouring her a goblet of the clear liquid. He came back pressing the cup to her lips watching her take small sips of the drink.

Tamlen knew the guards in the hall that had saw him run in her to her had likely reported to Leliana or Josephine despite the late hour. That meant they likely wouldn't be alone much longer.

"Do you need anything else, something to eat, or maybe tea?" Usually it was Merrill spitting out words faster than can be but Tamlen was still filled with worry spoke quickly before stopping himself from going too quickly.

Merrill didn't respond at first, rather thinking about it. She didn't want Tamlen to go anywhere, not now. Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door as Leliana carefully walked up the stairs watching the two of them.

"I heard that there was an incident." The former bard spoke her Orlesian making the words seem softer than they felt.

"I've got it handled." Tamlen looked at their Spymaster a moment before turning back to Merrill. "Do you need anything?" He asked again as she thought again. The thought of food turned her stomach but tea would help calm her.

"Tea?" Her voice came out in a cracked whisper as he nodded a moment.

"Should I send the kitchen to make a pot?" Leliana asked before Tamlen shook his head.

"No, she has everything she needs to make tea in her, just get a pot of water started on the fire if you can." Tamlen spoke as he let his fingers move to run through Merrill's hair. He could hear Leliana moving around poking the fire back to life and adding more logs. Merrill was still shaking slightly but not nearly as bad as before.

"Ara halla, ma ane eth. Ara ma'desen melar." His words were in a hushed whisper as she moved. At first Tamlen thought she was going to try and stand and make her own tea but rather she moved to put herself in his arms, head buried into his chest.

"…. I know it's not proper… but would you stay with me tonight?" she asked the words muffled by his shirt. If Leliana had any sort of opinion on the matter she stayed quite rather looking at Tamlen for where Merrill kept her things for tea. He tilted his head to the shelf by the large desk.

"The tin box, one spoon of the leaves." He instructed. He had made Merrill tea plenty of times when she looked over documents, much to Josephine's dismay at the stains left.

"Ara halla I will stay. I won't leave you." He spoke gently letting his fingers pet her hair again. Propriety be damned, he would not leave her to suffer this alone. He had only recently found her again and Creators be damned if he let her slide through his fingers again.


End file.
